Life After My Rape

 

It’s been a while after my rape and I am still afraid to be around men. I am not sure if I know “how” to. Usually, I am nervous, afraid, and full of fear. What if he does something to me? What if he hurts me? I was hesitant to be alone with any male, except for my father and my male siblings.

I am walking out of class, and I notice a very handsome guy. He is tall, has shoulder length light brown hair, muscles, and multiple tattoos. I soon realize that he is in one of my classes that I take later on within the day. He is good-looking, but I know I will never speak to him.

A couple of days go by, and before I know it I am attending 4 classes once again. I walk into class, and guess who I see….the handsome man from the other day. Yep, I was right! He is in one of my classes, and he looks great! I am going to say something to him, and I am going to speak today!

…what was I THINKING??!!

Class is over, and I see him standing in the lobby. He is talking on his cell phone, but he is standing by himself. I glimpse back over and I see that he is off of his phone now. He begins to walk away, and proceeds to head towards the double doors, and so do I. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… “Hi, my name is Justice!” I was speaking to him, and I was terrified in the inside.

 

 

I continue to introduce myself, and I let him know that I think that he is very handsome. Everything is working in my favor, and in the inside I am so HAPPY!!! I could scream! We exchanged numbers, and he told me that he would be texting me later.

I don’t know what made me happier…the fact that I built enough courage to approach him or the fact that I got his number. Either way I was beyond happy!

Finally, the guy texts me, and the text conversation is going great. The conversation was not boring, and he possessed one of the best qualities…humor. Everything was going in a positive direction. This is until he asked if he could come visit me. My answer was immediately, NO! I was too afraid to be around him. I could not let anything happen to me, especially rape again. It happened to me once, and I damn sure was not going to let it happen to me again.

My last class is over for the day, and I am walking into my therapist’s office. I need to talk to her about my rape. I need to express my feelings, my thoughts, and I need someone to listen. What other way to accomplish that goal other than therapy? Catch the sarcasm. I reveal to her that I have recently met a guy who I am somewhat attracted to. I tell her that he has asked me several times if he can come visit me, but it is the fear that is holding me back from saying yes. I explain to my therapist that I am still afraid to be around men. “I love men, but I am afraid to trust one. I am afraid to be alone with one.”

She tells me that the feeling I was having was normal, and to give the visit a try.

It is the next week, and I am lying in bed texting. He is trying to see me again, and once again I am nervous. He asks if he can come over, and I reluctantly text back, yes! He then asked me to text him my address to my apartment, which I did.

 

 

 

I immediately jumped up, and began to straighten up my apartment. This was really happening! I did not think that he would actually come to visit me.

Well, he has just sent me the “on my way” text. My anxiety kicks in, and I begin to become overwhelmed with the situation. I began to call some of my close friends. Maybe they can sit in my living room while he visits me. I was more than afraid! But in the inside I knew I had to rid myself of this fear, or I would never get better mentally.

None of my friends answered the phone, and I begin to panic. This guy is on his way to my apartment, and I have no idea what his actions will be. I go into the kitchen and retrieve a knife. I put it behind a picture frame on my night stand; it wouldn’t be visible to him. I also place my mace pepper spray underneath my pillow, and I light a candle. I am not using the candle for a pleasant scent…I need it for the hot wax just in case he tries to hurt me.

I was petrified, but I was ready to face my fear.

 

 

 

I receive a text on my phone, and he is telling me that he is outside. A few seconds go by and there are knocks at my door. It was him and I was nervous. I open the door, and there he was. He walks into my apartment, and begins to speak. He gives me a hug, and asks me about my day. He was really nice and sweet, but I was still nervous. I was trying to calm my nerves, so that he could not tell that I was afraid.

We begin to watch television and talk about music. I had such a good time, and there was never an awkward moment! We laughed, we joked, told embarrassing stories, and much more. It was so worth letting him come over. The best part about it was…he never tried to touch me nor hurt me. I must say the feeling was magnificent!

 

 

I, Justice Evas, was spending time with a man by myself =) Can we say...GROWTH!!! At last, I was facing my fear, which I overcame.

And I thank HIM for that! =)

-Justice Evas

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”  -Nelson Mandela